As the purse is emptied the heart is filled.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Speak softly, but carry an M16.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

I Refuse to star in Your Psychodrama.

This is an inside joke and your on the outside!

Make up whatever rumour you want. How about this: I'm secretly married and I'm pregnant- but I'm also a virgin.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry!

And on an answering machine:
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.