I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

--Unknown

Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety

I thought a thought.

But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

- Unknown

For my beautiful friends...

You remind me...

You remind me of a flower,
Pretty, inside and outside.
A reason why people smile everyday,
A gift to all.

You remind me of chocolate,
Luscious and sweet.
Someone people can turn to in crisis,
Loved by all.

You remind me of a teddy,
Cute and huggable.
Someone people feel comfortable with,
Special to all.

You remind me of a balloon,
Happy and bouncy.
Someone people can have fun with,
Enjoyed by all.

You remind me of a lot of things,
But nothing can compare to the real person,
A friend I can look up to,
Cherished by me.

--Unknown

I live for the nights I wont remember with the friends I'll never forget.

"However rare true love can be, it is less so than true friendship."
-- La Rochefoucauld (1665)

"A single rose can be my garden... A single friend, my world."
-- Leo Buscaglia

When it hurts to look back, and your scared to look ahead, look beside you - I'll always be there.

"Do what you will, always walk where you like, your steps, do as you please, I'll back you up"
-- Dave Matthews Band

Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

A best friend is like a sister that destiny forgot to give you.

Friends will come, and friends will go.
The seasons change and it will show.
I will age and so will you,
But our friendship stays, strong and true.

You're not my favourite mistake, your are just a simple regret.
I thought I knew who you were, but watch how fast and watch how well I forget.

I feel like such a Failure!
I've been shopping for over twenty years, and I still don't have anything to wear!

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."
- Tim McGraw

Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart.

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

©1996 Linda Ellis

"Fashion is made to become unfashionable."
--- Coco Chanel

"I've spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!"
--- Carrie Bradshaw

"We live not according to reason, but according to fashion"
--- Seneca

"So soon as a fashion is universal, it is out of date."
--- Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet!

Thinking of you with love on your birthday and wishing you everything that brings you happiness today and always.

It's always a treat to wish Happy Birthday to someone so sweet.

Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.
--- Martin Buxbaum

Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?
--- Bobby Kelton

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
--- Billie Burke.

Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.
--- Unknown

Money's tight
Times are hard
Here's you friggin birthday card

Two tips on your birthday:
1) Forget the past, you can't change it.
2) Forget the present, I didn't get you one.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop complaining... I am older than you!

Don't think of it as getting older, think of it as becoming a classic

Happy 29th birthday... for the 6th time!

The rain may be falling hard outside,

The wind and thunder wild.

But remember, no matter how near or far,

I'll be here with a smile.

"I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money."
--- Jack Handey

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--- Ellen DeGeneres

As the purse is emptied the heart is filled.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Speak softly, but carry an M16.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

I Refuse to star in Your Psychodrama.

This is an inside joke and your on the outside!

Make up whatever rumour you want. How about this: I'm secretly married and I'm pregnant- but I'm also a virgin.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry!

And on an answering machine:
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.

The End

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced,
he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous", and so God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too".
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow,
I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the run of the hen house"

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*&kin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THIS SORT OF CONTEST.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.The paramedic lifted him by his ittle feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The sprayblocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles

resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro,Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses.

The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to

take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears ever stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.
Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system...

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ..-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+ 50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying"well,
what
do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:

You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

I found a bunch of lists in a folder from a long long time ago, but looking through them now they were quite funny..

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. Other Women

Top 10 Reasons why it's Great to be a Woman

10. We got off the Titanic first.
9. We can render the most powerful men speechless by mentioning female problems.
8. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
6. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
5. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
4. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
3. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
2. Other then Madonna, we never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
1. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

Top 10 Reasons why it's Great to be a Man

10. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
9. Wrinkles add character.
8. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
7. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
6. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
4. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
3. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
2. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
1. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Top 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

10. Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
9. Carperpetuation: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
8. Disconfect: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
7. Elbonics: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
6. Frust: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
5. Lactomangulation: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
4. Peppier: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
3. Phonesia: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
2. Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
1. Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.